REVISITING THE DRAKE HOT SAUCE INCIDENT: What Really Happened?
Lately, I’ve been doing some creative writing in the morning where I pick a random topic and run with it. Sometimes it’s playful, sometimes it’s dark, sometimes a mix of both.
Today, I dropped a blog post where I reimagined what may have actually went down during the ‘Drake Hot Sauce Incident.’ If you’re wondering, “what the hell am I talking about?” check out an excerpt from the story below. I hope you enjoy:
The day is January 28th, 2023, and I'm in the Whistler ski village devouring a chicken burger with a bit of Sriracha as my mind flashes to a story I hadn't thought about in almost a year: The Drake Hot Sauce Incident.
Let me jog your memory in case it's lapsed. At the top of 2022, a story scorched through the tabloids where an Instagram model shoved a condom full of Drake's sperm and hot sauce up her pussy. Now, why was there hot sauce in the condom? And even more importantly, why was she emptying the contents into such a sensitive landscape? Well, according to Daily Mail:
"The model claims that the self-proclaimed Certified Lover Boy - born Aubrey Drake Graham - added a packet of hot sauce into a used condom in order to kill his sperm after the two had sex. After he disposed of the condom she took it out of the trash and attempted to impregnate herself inside of the bathroom, not realizing what it contained."
As my teeth sink into the pretzel bun through the sriracha-soaked lettuce and onions and finally into the chicken, I can't help but wonder about the finer details of the hot sauce incident.
For example, if this story really happened, that would mean that Drake would first have to actively choose the right brand of hot sauce to get the job done. I imagine Drake strolling through the Toronto Trader Joe's (Drake's actually a TJ's guy, not the Whole Foods or Erewhon type. Shocking, but I like him more for that) as he's pondering: "What's a product that'll induce a good coochi burn but won't leave any lasting damage? I want to teach these ladies a lesson, not cauterize their clitoris."
Then, his eyes hit the hot sauce samples. It's Tuesday, so Trader Joe's has their full sample spread on display. He picks up a small plastic cup next to a label that reads "Chili Pepper Sauce," and dips in his pinky finger up to the ring. As he removes the last of his tip from the sauce he dangles it over his tongue letting two drops fall onto his palette. Drake closes his eyes and tries to imagine himself as a pussy, embodying the essence of the female flower.
"Show me all your colors," he whispers to himself as he lets the full body of the sauce spread from his real lips to the imagined ones. He feels a flicker of singe that crescendos into searing pain causing a drop, one part tear - one part sweat, to cascade down his right cheek. "Too hot to handle," Drake says to the sauce as he kisses the cup and places it in the dirty stack. The Chili Pepper Sauce has a powerful kick, but too powerful for the likes of Drake's latex insurance plan.
Then, Drake's eyes catch a colorful sauce labeled "Green Dragon." He dips his other pinky in and again lets two drops fall to his tongue. The taste instantly transports him to a fresh meadow full of Everlasting Daisies and all of his exes. His heart feels warm seeing everyone doing so well, and Drake approaches one of his exes named Jasmine who he parted ways with when things got crazy after So Far Gone.
"Why didn't we work out?" Drake said to Jasmine.
"You had some kick but were ultimately too soft, like Green Dragon. I needed a real man," she said.
"You're right," said Drake as he blew into her face a handful of daisies causing Jasmine's form to shatter into a thousand pedals.
The wind swept her away as the Trader Joe's drifted back into Drake's vision. Green Dragon possessed a pleasant flare, but was too soft to extinguish the sperm of the world's biggest Popstar.
Drake's head swiveled in desperation over to his last chance: a small plastic cup filled with 'Habañero Hot Sauce.' He grabbed a napkin to clean his first pinky and dipped it in for a taste. It had some spice, but not too spicy, and warmth exploded in the megastar’s mouth causing a spike in adrenaline to awaken the senses. The colors of bananas and apples in the produce aisle shone brighter. Smells of fresh beef wafted into Drake's nostrils as if he were a boy visiting a butcher shop with his father for the first time. The touch of the plastic cup against his skin was smoother than The Weeknd's intro in "Crew Love."
Take your nose off my keyboard, Drake sang softly to himself as he sniffed deeply the majesty of the Habañero.
He had found the one.
He'd discovered the perfect sauce to inflict the coup de grâce unto his sperm, but not too harsh as to damage a woman's lady parts should she get any ideas.
Now, I know what you're thinking: Drake found the perfect sauce to prevent a pregnancy but is there any way that this model who spoke to the Daily Mail could have had something up her pussy sleeve? Why did she go to the tabloids with such an embarrassing story that only made her look like a conniving cum thief, and made Drake look like a sadboy King? Anyone with two cents for a brain would keep that incident to themselves.
Here's what I think really happened...